In My HEAD...its all only in my head.

I’m listening to the OST of Queen of the Damned as I’m writing this post. The song “Redeemer” is on and I believe my brain got a jump start.

The lyrics goes “Hunger inside given to me, makes me what I am. Always it is stalking me, for the blood of man..”

Responding to those words, I realized that my body is dehydrated. For 2 days I was being under the weather and the mood swings were hell. Thank God that no one was killed throughout the course... And also thank God for the creation of painkillers.

In my head, I feel like:-

• drowning someone in the condo’s pool,
• smash the guard house with someone else’s expensive golf club,
• smacking a sleeping XL lady, sitting at the seats for handicaps on the train, while I’m standing there feeling nauseous, on the way to work,
• bang my own head onto the table,
• -%&^*@ (PG 21)

Yes, I did feel certain anger and the hunger for blood. Dramatic, am I?

Moreover, the tragic news about the Virginia Tech Shooting has stirred this unstable war between anger and pity in my head. The Anger felt for the death of the innocence caused by unstable mind. Pity, because there was no better resolution chosen by the shooter under frustration. He must be lonely as I believe that there was no one there to comfort him while in despair.

So now, how many of us realized that we need to take a better care of ourselves?

In psychology, personality is a description of consistent emotional, thought, and behavior patterns in a person. The several theoretical perspectives on personality involve different ideas about the relationship between personality and other psychological constructs as well as different ideas about the way personality develops.

But then, what if just for that certain period, a few hours, a day, or a week, that person was acting a little bit out of his/her normal behavior. What if that person, was suddenly hearing things in his/her head? Ordering? Demanding? Influencing?

Now, what to do next? To fight this war in your little head?

· To be continued….

(my head hurts)

Rumi- Whispers of the Beloved

a Dervish gives freely the secrets of the world. His words, a precious gift. He does not expect his daily bread for free. He gives his life and ask for nothing in return.

Prayer clears the mist and brings back peace to the soul. Every morning, every evening, let the heart sing.

There is no reality but God.

Garbage - Queer

My fav. song back when i was 13yrs old. I was a teen with bottled up anger...Wearing black most of the time up until i was 17. Choosing only dark coloured lippy...and investing of skin whitening cream, to look as fair and pale as possible....Wonder, where did all the anger went to?

Back then in 1995, the word "queer" might just symbolize something strange...now?

Fate...To Be or Not To Be?

"Everyone believes the world's greatest lie..." says the mysterious old man."What is the world's greatest lie?" the little boy asks.The old man replies, "It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie."

(An excerpt from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. A fable about following your dreams.)

Once I have fallen into believing the world’s greatest lie. I thought I will be better off as a housewife, only wanting to support my husband in building up his dreams.

I started feeling in such a way after 6months of job hunting, and the result only became the root to frustration. I feel depressed and convinced that it is my fate to be unemployed at this stage of time in this particular almost corrupted country. Yes, the country is slowly turning into the capitalist. Cost matters most, value comes second.

In my little head “why would they want to employ me at my current salary, while they can get someone with the same qualification at a lower rate?” or “you over-qualified-high-paid-degree holder, do you think you are any better than anyone else?” or even “just accept the fact that you are jobless and married, then try to make the best out of it”.

Yet, my husband was there to shake me back to reality. He expressed that I deserve better than this. I was also being told that the world will evaluate me as the same way that I value myself.

Then I took charge of my life. A few months later, I landed my dream job and found a master that is willing to take me as his apprentice. With that I believe, I am only 3years away to accomplish the second level of my dream job. Before long, some day, if I am strong enough, I will be the Arbitrator that I see in my dream back when I was 21years old.

So I believe, when you find the correct path for yourself, the universe really does conspire to help you progress along the way. You can overlook a few coincidences, but when coincidences happen every day, your journey becomes a magical voyage and all you can do is be thankful, live every moment to the fullest and seize the day. All this I learn from Paulo Coelho and his words have been proven by this sequence of my life.

What made more sense, when I remembered one of the Islamic lecture I attended back 5years. I was told that fate is in our hand. Even though the term is Qada & Qadar, yet your fate has been set in your hands.

Qada’ (decree) is Allah’s specifying how things will be, in pre-eternality, by His Will, in accordance with His Knowledge.
Qadar (destiny) is Allah’s bringing into being through His Power, in which His Will specified.

In my little head, I had this picture of our fate that has been set by God, is actually in multiple choices. Our God knows from there, which path we will choose, because we were also being created by Him. So our God knows us better, of what will we choose and what to set for our fate. We were also given choice on how do we want to accept the fate bestowed upon us. Will we make the best of it and survive? Or will be succumb and fall into depression or give up on life?



Is it still the God’s fault if we are not happy with our life? So, is it right to fall into this theory of “World’s greatest lie”?


Moreover, if we believe in fate, we agree that there is a God that is ruling our life. Would we be cruel enough to blame God for our frustration, while this same God gave us our life?